Friday, July 20, 2012

What is a Toxic man or a (woman)?

The 3 Ways A Toxic Man Can Damage You "As I mentioned in a previous blog “What is a toxic man (or woman)?” I stated that a toxic man is someone who has emotional/psychological issues, usually from his childhood, which affects the way he behaves in his adult relationships People with issues feel psychologically uncomfortable on a regular basis and their emotional discomfort increases in intimate relationships In childhood, when the damaging experience/s occur, toxic people learn strategies to deal with the damage caused and avoid further discomfort, for example a man who wasn’t loved enough as a child will learn to cut himself off emotionally and avoid close relationships with others as he has learned that relationships with others equals pain and he can’t take anymore So how will you be damaged by these people? People who feel uncomfortable often lack integrity due to their insatiable need to feel ok. They need to feel better to such an extent that they are ridiculously self-absorbed and don’t have the ability to consider the repercussions of their choices on others. They will use every trick in the book and every mind game (subtle or explicit) to feel comfortable, so they often come across as manipulative and selfish This will lead them to behaving badly towards you, which could damage you in the following ways: 1) They will damage your self-esteem as they won’t be able to show that they value you This is because no matter how fabulous you are they will never realise it because they are dealing with internal stuff which will never allow them to see what is in front of them, no matter how much effort you put in. They will not attempt to meet your needs as they are so concern with their own. You will always be a passenger in the relationship due to their selfishness Your value is not based on what he does or doesn’t do. You are cool whether he makes an effort with you/values you or not 2) You will start to think that you aren’t good enough so you make more of an effort, hoping that he will like you more. This effort will never be rewarded so you will constantly feel frustrated and stressed out They will still give you crumbs of a relationship and keep your hopes alive as they are getting benefits from you being around and they want to keep this going. You will have the relationship carrot dangled in front of your face (especially if you start making noises about moving on from the relationship) which encourages you to believe that if you try a bit harder, you will finally get the relationship that you want. This is not going to happen and he knows it (no matter what lies he tells you). You will become obsessed with pleasing him and constanlty feel frustrated when he doesn’t reward you for your efforts. This frustration is compounded by the fact that he will go hot and cold to manipulate the situation You are good enough as you are and a healthy adult male will know this 3) You will question/doubt your perception and your sanity as they will defend their hurtful behaviour with irrational excuses which will be argued with absolute conviction, so that you doubt yourself This is because the toxic man will: a) feel bad about how they are treating you so give the most irrational excuses (because their in no rational explanation for their hideous behaviour) to avoid feeling bad about themselves and b) will argue with absolute conviction so that they can convince both themselves and you that their behaviour is ok. It is not – period. They are motivated to convince you that their behaviour is ok because if they manage it, you will stop nagging which makes them feel uncomfortable and will then carry on the relationship as normal which means giving them benefits of the relationship. In addition to this they’ve got away with behaving selfishly, so have got their own way, and managed to keep you interested. Never fall for the irrational argument technique. He knows that he’s behaved badly and is just hoping that you will drop it soon, so he doesn’t have to face the truth about his CHOICES and feel guilty * His behaviour has absolutely nothing to do with you or your worth – He is an out and out crazyoid! * (just because he doesn’t look like one doesn’t mean he isn’t one) You are not the cause or the catalyst. He will treat all women the same way because the problem is within him and he carries this problem around with him every day and into every new relationship When toxic people behave badly, they will often produce an excuse and say that they didn’t mean to do something, but whether people mean to hurt you or not, they are still hurting you and this is what you should focus on. You are not responsible or to blame for other people’s issues. The only person who can resolve their issues and enable them to become psychologically healthy, is the person with the problem. However, these types of people often don’t realise that they have a problem as the way they feel is normal to them. I hope that you haven’t experienced a toxic man but if you have, hopefully he is in your past and you realise that you are now free of his poisonous influence. If you are associated with one currently, you cannot change him and he won’t change in the future (if this is what you are waiting for) unless he wants to change and while you are still around he has no reason to – Consider leaving this situation before you lose your self-esteem, self-respect and sanity “But I love him”, I hear you cry – Who do you love more? Him or you? Go spend your energy finding a man who is psychologically healthy. There are many of them out there – you just have to make an effort If you need help, identifying whether you are in a toxic relationship or you want help to free yourself from a toxic relationship, I offer coaching sessions and email support to help you with this. I also focus on helping women rebuild their confidence and create new, happier futures. See my services page or contact me at for the different types of programmes I offer. For those who download my free report “the key mistakes women make after a breakup” (see sign up box on right hand side of my website pages), I offer a discount on both of the programmes." by Emma (The Break up Mermaid) I hope this helps
What are your thoughts on this? Until next time – Take care Emma xxx www.facebook/TheBreakupMermaid

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